I Am A Quitter

Yes, it's true. Here's a list of things I've quit, not in any particular order, because if I had to put them in order, pshh, I'd probably just quit.

-intrumural soccer in 5th grade
-orchestra
-violin lessons
-church scouts
-ballet lessons
-trying to be an actor
-trying to be a stage director
-backup singing
-the cross-country team
-my two bands, Perpetual Crush and Cuddle Party
-job in college as a server at a country club, after a mere two weeks
-going to biology 101 after 3 classes
-songwriting group
-playwriting group
-trying to read The Lord of the Rings books (I know, y'all hate me now. But I saw the movie, shiiiiit.)
-guitar lessons
-knitting
-face painting business

So, as you can see, I'm an impressive quitter. I quit things that are difficult, and things that I have some talent for, and things that are not difficult, but that I can't be bothered with. I'm not proud of this fact, but it is a fact. I was reminded of this partly because of reading Jeff's blog, Odin's Aviary, where he referenced Gary Hopper's acting class. Gary warned us not to be dilettantes. I turned around and was a dilettante. (Sorry Gary. You can have fries with your Big Mac anytime tho', unless I've already quit working at Mickey D's by the time you order.)

But then I joined roller derby. Lest you have not been reading my blog up to this point, I am not good at it. I am not a good skater. I am not a good athlete. I am the fat girl in gym class who never gets picked, and for good reason. I'm slow, I'm clumsy, I'm not aggressive, I get knocked out of bounds and knocked down.

Still, it's a fun thing to do, and when I first started back in late September, I asked my cap'n if, you know, it was a huge problem that I really really sucked. She basically told me you get out of it what you put into it and then yelled at me to get back out and skate rather than just sweating on the sidelines, so I shrugged and did.

Then I got tired of falling down all the time, and not being able to stop or turn or do anything, so I took lessons, and learned how to keep my balance and stop and do crossovers. Then our de facto skate tech observed that maybe I wouldn't be so slow if I wasn't skating on the cheapest skates/wheels possible, so I ponied up for extra-grippy skateboard wheels and Bones Swiss bearings, and lo and behold, got a bit faster. And also I got knee pads and elbow pads and wrist guards and a helmet, and eventually better skates, and eventually skated in a scrimmage with my team, and well, here we are.

So having said all of that, I STILL really really suck. The thing is, I got the basic skills down, and I got a bit more in shape, so I passed the skills test and I'm on the team, but I'm still the slowest, still the most likely to fall behind the pack. I regularly get headaches and feel like throwing up after practice. I have trouble with almost every aspect of the sport - speed, strength, agility. Our season starts May 11th, and there's a very great chance that I will be The Worst Skater quite obviously in front of hundreds of people. It's not a pretty thought. So the logical choice for a veteran quitter like myself would be to throw in the towel, no?

The thing is, I absolutely can't. I can barely even let myself consider the possibility. It's not going to happen. I realized this absolutely at our scrimmage in Philly. In roller derby, as in nothing else I've ever done, we all depend on each other so much that losing one skater is like losing a limb. We've got 11 girls total skating 2 30 minute periods. 5 girls on the track per jam. Jammer should get to sit out after jamming. Some girls will be called out for penalties. If one girl's out, that means another girl has to be there to replace her, or that the other girls have to work harder to make up for the loss. (And did I mention the gasping for oxygen sweating headache nausea of extreme exertion? If one skater's out another one's getting double the torture.) Derby is about sheer physical endurance as much as anything else, and for that reason alone, we can't lose anyone.

And the really crazy thing is, it's not just that I can't quit - I really have to try. Like, try really hard. Because if I mess up our chances for a win, and I know it's because I didn't give my 110%... Well that'd be bad. I might even cry. So this leads me to the interesting situation of finishing practice with a huge headache and sweating like crazy and feeling like throwing up because I've been pushing so hard... and feeling guilty because I sat out one jam. This, to say the least, is a new experience, because not only am I a quitter, I'm also a champion slacker.

It's definitely worth it though. My team-mates and league-mates are so supportive of me, and of everyone. It's hard to believe that a bunch of girls who joined a sport where one routinely yells, 'BEAT A BITCH!' could be so very nice in person. But it's true, I tells ya. Which only adds another reason that I'll never give up... if I were letting down 10 girls I don't like, that'd be one thing, but they all totally rule.

So in conclusion, roller derby saved my soul. Hugs and bruises. Bitches get stitches. Etcetera.