I got fired

And I've held off from posting about it, partly because I have a thing about posting things about work (it's a bad idea) and because well, it kind of gets me down. Also also, I'm totally going to write a quirky 'This American Life'-style personal essay about it and get published and become writer-famous (which is like celebrity-famous except that no one knows or cares who you are.)

But I can totally blog about how I've spent my time since then. Did I brush up my resume? A little. Did I start submitting it like mad? Hell no. Instead, I posted a craigslist W4M! And here it is:

"Marginally employed slacker chick seeks together dude for hanging out - 31 (Montclair)

I lost my real job, someone broke my left side car mirror, I spilled coffee on my new cute shirt this morning, and the AC shut down at my temp job. I need some company to discuss How It All Went So Wrong. You: have AC and cable and don't mind me stopping by to be cool/watch TV (I like terrible shows like that Legally Blonde audition show and So You Think You Can Dance and Hell's Kitchen, and I like good sci fi like Dr. Who and Battlestar Galactica, but I watch them on DVD because I don't have cable, so if you watch them and are up to the current season I will not let you talk to me about them, but I will respect you more as a person) and you would also be up for some beers.

I: am smart, brunette, decent rack, curvy in general, not caustic, slightly depressed at the mo' but am generally confident that It Will All Work Out In The End, Especially If I Use Capitals For Every Word."

Awesome, right? Of course it is. Accordingly, I got some awesome responses, the awesomest of which I include here for your enjoyment.

Ummmmmmmmmmmm, you sound hilarious. Are you serious? You sound like a person that enjoys life, lol. You take the good with the bad. I'm the same way but things are a little bit better on my end, lol. I'm a guy with a decent career, I keep myself in good shape (athletic built). I guess I will keep this short and sweet. If you like to know more, email me back.
T

Ummmmmmmm, I am serious. And I do enjoy life. Ummmmmmmm.

Same here.Employment nightmare.My looks destroyed me ! Imagine a guy like me working in a corporate environment as a computer specialist ?! so yeah, having a hard time here, and now is NOT the best time to be looking for work.I say we just say f*ck it all and just get naked togeather or soap eachother up in the bath.Get drunk or smoke pot one night ( not into drugs but i'll smoke a J when the goin gets ruff ), can't get much worse.F*ck it ! lets get naked and tongue eachother, I''m GAME if you are :0)

And....Responding to your ad. If you have a picture of yourself send it, if not I can meet you somewhere public and quick so we can check each other out, and see if we want to take it any further or not.

Ew. Ew ew ew! Seriously, I couldn't even read this one, it burned my eyes. He included a pic stolen from a Calvin Klein Ad. Yeah, dude, your looks destroyed you. I am reassured if you're my employment competition. Ew.

what a funny post, thats what a like a good sense of humor, drop a line if you want. im 32, live in rutherford, 5 11, brown hair blue eyes, fit, love to have a good times and joke around.
dave

Hmm. I like capital letters and good grammar.

Feel bad for ur current situation and I empathize. Have cable, A/C 4 Tv etc Can deal and discuss with u how ur misfortune occurred.. Forgive. No caps at Every Word. Lets talk and see if there is anything for us.

FINally! Someone who understands what I'm looking for! AC and cable! However, sadly, see above, re: capital letters and grammar. It's true, I didn't state that in my ad, but I think it was implied by the fact that I used capital letters and good grammar.

Wow sound like a great day for you...LOL I can help ya with the mirror I'm nearby (little falls), out of work temp with back injury, plenty of me time, cheer up
Chris

I'm tempted by the offer of free car repair work. But he has a back injury, and I'm afraid if he works on my car, he might hurt it more. Just sayin'.

Damn Talk about a bad day!
the mirror can be fixed but shit it is hot out!
I hid in the A/C all day..
just reading your post reminded me when about 2 years ago I couldn't get myself arrested, depressed, pissed off..yadda yadda, then all of a sudden it turned around (slowly) nothing bothers me now, a new job came my way..
my Motorcycles are running great, heading to NY state this weekend on one of them..
soooooo, I am trying to say, Hang in there.. that little bit of Faith is the most powerful thing we have..

Steve

Awwww. Puppies and ice cream. Kittens and rainbows. Motorcycles and Faith.

I wish I lived closer, as creepy as it sounds I would let you steal my air conditioning and watch all the tv / cable you want. Neither get much usage as it is. cb

Wait, what? Steal? Steal your TV and AC? Huh? Since when is it stealing when someone comes over and sits in your air conditioned house and watches your cable TV? Shit, I had no idea. Mr. and Mrs. Pinchloaf, I am so very sorry, I will PAY YOU BACK.

Wow!

That's all I can say to that!But I do have cable, very cold central air, and a very nice place. I'm a 35 y/o single white male.I'm tall, fit and attractive.I'm funny, very entertaining and very charming. I know I'm perfect!!!! I'm kidding.I have a very dark brown hair with hazel eyes. I play a lot of sports and I take good care of myself.

Kevin

I'm impressed with Kevin's self-confidence, to the point where I believe him. Therefore, being a chubby non-sports player who is not taking care of herself very well right now, I don't think it would work.

I saw your posting on craigslist and I'm always looking to meet new people. If your email box is still open and hasnt been bombarded by 3000 drunken fat guys feel free to get back to me. I'm a laid back guy and get along with pretty much anyone. Hope to hear back from you. Joe

I think Joe meant to say '3000 drunken frat guys' and not '3000 drunken fat guys'. Although in this age of the American obesity epidemic, perhaps it all amounts to the same thing.

Sounds like you are having a pretty crappy time of it lately. I look through craigs posts all the time but rarely respond because they always say "hit me up" or "cute gal" or "not into games". I mean who's into games? Anyway, I am 34 and I live in Deptford and describing myself as "together" would be semi-accurate but I do have a nice new tv and a teeny tiny apartment with ac and I just broke up with someone a couple weeks ago and I'm pretty lonely. I don't really watch any of the shows you mentioned but I like dumb tv so I would probably like them. I used to watch the old Dr Who with my dad when I was little but i really don't remember it. The only show I really make an effort to watch every week is King of the Hill. I like to watch old episodes of Degrassi (the original early eighties series...not the Noggin one). I also really like Freaks and Geeks and Arrested Development. If you are a real person and you would like to talk then write back. If not I feel really stupid for writing a pretty long paragraph to spammie sammie.

p.s...when you wrote "caustic" it made me think of this band Caustic Resin I used to really like and I am listening to them now. If you write back can you tell me some music you like?...I have kind of been out of it lately when it comes to music but my favorites are Husker Du, Swervedriver, Wipers, Ocean Blue, Guided by Voices and lots and lots of older punk, hardcore and black/death/speed metal.

1. I am changing my skate name to Spammie Sammie.

2. I like the new Degrassi. It's funny how they say the Canadian 'sorry'.

3. Caustic Resin is either the worst or the best band name there is.

Well how about we talk a bit on here about where we can turn you around and perhaps work up to getting together to talk and maybe watch a few Farscape or SG-1 DVDs.

Ed

'Where we can turn you around?' Are you a registered life coach? Did I ask for that? And I stated clearly that I wanted to watch CABLE, not DVD's. I watch DVD's by myself. And I don't watch Farscape. And I only watch Stargate when it's on. ON CABLE. You're kind of creepy, Ed.

Hey, it sounds like you had a bad day. Well my name is Jason and I'm 35 living in clifton but I'm Ridgewood. I work as a chef and hang out in the City and Ridgewood allot. Here's my pic and speak to ya soon.

Ok, so I actually wrote back to this one despite the fact that his response had little to do with my ad and the fact that 'he's Ridgewood' (what does that mean? I think he meant that he's FROM Ridgewood, but seriously, who cares?), because I have this idea that if I date and/or hang out with a chef, he will eventually cook me a meal and/or I'll be able to eat for free at his restaurant. This is despite the fact that I already tried to date a chef, and he never cooked me any meals or got me any free fancy ones, and also chefs are generally macho, foul-mouthed hooligans. Ok so maybe I like macho, foul-mouthed hooligans... Also he offered a pic and didn't look horrible.

I came across your ad and I thought it was funny. I had to reach out becuase I have cable AND ac. I'm a good listner. Assuming you're not a thief, I'd like to get to know you. If you're interested, I'll talk to you soon. Josh

Yes, I am a thief. I'll steal your heart! Tee hee! No, just kidding, I'll steal your shit. Or, if you go by the definition mentioned above, I'm a thief just by virtue of the fact that I'll come over and watch your TV. What a dastardly thieving act!

Wow, sounds like you need some cheering up ! I'm Duane in Parsippany. Just turned 40 in January and finally getting out of that "mood". I could use some company too and am a great cook. Oh, and I do have AC and cable ! If you like to swim, we could go up to the boat on Greenwood Lake. Let me know if you'd like to chat. Duane

Er.... what 'mood' is that? I hope it's not the kidnappy mood or the ax choppy mood. I don't think I want to go up to the boat on Greenwood Lake. The Boat on Greenwood Lake, starring Nicole Kidman and Willem Dafoe: Fear Has A Vacation House.

And, that's all for now. I'll post if I find the cable-havin', AC-enjoyin', slacker-puttin-up-with M of my dreams. Or maybe I'll just post more ads purely for enjoyment.