Derby!

This Saturday, Atomicate, Atomicate's sweetie Pants and I went to the Dulles Sportsplex to check out the DC Allstars vs the Charm City Allstars. I've been itchin' to see some skating, and Charm City's got two of the best skaters around, Joy Collision and Dolly Rocket. (And a host of other amazing chicas: Mibbs Breakin Ribs, Coach Ballbricker, Frenzy Lohan, Lady Quebeaum...) Charm City's also just one of the strongest leagues around, and DC's pretty new, so basically I wanted to see if DC could put any points on the board at all. 

And they did! The final score was DC 21, Charm City 205. So yeah, it was a rout... still tho', any time DC even got close to scoring a point, the home crowd went wild. In some ways, I was like, wow, why would DC ever play Charm City... they've got to have known they'd get spanked. But, speaking as a skater who skated in her team's very first bout against the Charm City Night Terrors (we got spanked also) there's something awesome about skating a bout you just can't win. You learn a lot very quickly. 

From what we could see, it looked like Charm City formed a strong wall in the front of the pack. DC's blockers were focused on trying to stop the Charm City jammer, and then couldn't seem to get up to help their jammer in the front of the pack. If they had focused only on breaking the wall at the top of the pack and getting their jammer through, they might have narrowed the point spread a little. It's easy to say, of course, and hard to do. 

I love watching Joy Collision skate. As a jammer she seems to just kind of float through the pack; the real fun is watching her block. She can trap a jammer at the back of the pack just with a continuous booty block, and then when the time is right she sends them flying out of bounds. She makes it all look completely effortless. It was also fun to see Joy Collision and Dolly Rocket take hits - they wobble but they just don't fall down. 

DC rallied in the second half, and started breaking walls, so their jammers could get through. There was also some AMAZING skating from a couple of DC jammers - I noticed Meatball just fly past the pack on the outside a couple of times, which takes a great deal of speed and endurance. 

In general everyone played nice, although there were multiple times when both jammers were in the penalty box and the jam had to be reset. I know Charm City has mentored DC, and you could tell there was a lot of good feeling amongst the skaters. 

Atomicate is slowly getting seduced by the lure of ze derby. I'm not sure if Pants liked it or not. He's a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a cool t-shirt, that one. I had fun, so... yay for derby!

Oh Shizz! Retail Excitement!

Not long ago, I was with my mom at the mall, lamenting the fact that I've outgrown most mall clothing stores but am not quite ready for the dreaded Women's section of most department stores. (And note to Talbot's and Ann Taylor: some of us are still not rich at 30, mmmkay?) Where is the store for the chunky but not plus-sized 30's woooman who doesn't have a ton of cash? 

Well yesterday I had to go to the DMV to get my license'n'plates'n'reg updated and to register to vote so I can annoy everyone else as much as they've been annoying me talking about blugh never mind I can't do it, and afterwards I was to meet Lil' Italian Redhead for lunch, but I had some time in between the two, so I wandered into... Filene's Basement! 

Omg! It's my store! I found. The cutest. Dress ever. For thirty bucks. Hells to the yeah. This dress is a partay dress, suitable to be worn to the nuptials of Circus Jeff and the Lovely Librarian, which is where I'ma wear it. But then I also found the cutest sweater dress, suitable to be worn to the office, but I talked myself out of it. But it was hella cute, and now I want to go back and get it. 

Arrrr! I missed it!

So, once again, I have missed Talk Like a Pirate Day. Every year I intend to honor this great day, and every year I forget... can we have some more press about it please? Can CVS maybe start stocking pirate accessories around mid-August so I can go, 'Oh man, they're already stocking for Talk Like a Pirate Day? Summer is going by so fast!'

In other news, I got to hang out with the Pinchloafs today. Mrs. Pinchloaf and I took a walk and watched Baby Mama, which was aight. Amy Poehler is a genius. It was a nice time.

Mrs. Pinchloaf is currently cooking up a lil' pinchmuffin, so now every time I hang out with her I get to learn something new and gross about pregnancy and the birthing process. Today's lesson: babies can poop while in utero. Geeee-ross! I can't wait until she has da baby so I can stop learning all these new and amazing facts. Well, actually I can't wait cuz I want to meet the lil' muffin. I'm sure there are lots of gross things to learn about babies out of utero too. The ciiiiircle of liiiiiife.

Epic Outting Fail and More Temping

So Atomicate invited me to see her other band, Bette Noir, in Fairfax. Although she clearly stated that they would be playing Fat Tuesdays, I for some reason thought they were playing at TT Reynold's. Which is apparently closed so of course they wouldn't be playing there. I know this because I drove to TT Reynold's and was all confused to see it dark... then got home and re-read the email and saw it was Fat Tuesday's. I am so s-m-r-t smart. So, sorry Atomicate! I'm a dumb.

I did get some awesome hangout time anyway. Earlier in the day Ms. Atomic brought over her Wii fit, and we did Wii fitness things. The only one I really rocked was the wii hula hooping. Also my wii age is 39. Whoa! I'm Wii old!

In other news I finished off a week of work at Lawyer, Lawyer, Lawyer and Lawyer. This was the temp job of all temp jobs. I got to arrange files in reverse chronological order, enter items on a spreadsheet, and shred old documents. Also I got invited to lunch at the Olive Garden with the ladies, aw. I did not go downstairs for Cake Day or Pizza Day, although I was invited to those too. Working in an office is very high calorie.

One of the nice things about temping is that expectations are usually set pretty low. The first project at this place was supposed to take three days, but I finished it in one. Because, well, it just wasn't that hard. My bosses were surprised, and found more things for me to do. Ah, the sweet satisfaction of having a task assigned and completing it. Yay for temping.

Atomicate Rocks Bethesda

Seeew, I've always been lucky in having lots of rilly cool, rilly talented friends. One of them is Atomicate, who I met whilst singing backup for a local low-cal blues band. She is always in four or five bands at a time, and periodically I get a chance to hear her sing'n'play. This past Sunday I got to see one of the bands she's in, Aubriot, for the first time at Haagen Dasz in Bethesda.

Now, ahem, while it's awesome to have talented friends, er... how to put this? Sometimes, the projects my talented friends are in... I don't enjoy so much. I'm not naming names here or anything, but lets just say when I heard they were playing at Haagen Dasz, I thought perhaps this would be maybe not so good. Location, location, location, after all, and I say this as someone who's seen and participated in her share of converted-warehouse-space-coffee-house-open-mic shenanigans.

I felt a little better when I got to Bethesda. This particular part of it - Woodmont Road near Wisconsin Ave - is quite happening in an urban pedestrian mall kind of way. Lots of pricey chain restaurants, lots of folks moseying around, etc. In other words, the kind of area where one might very well expect to enjoy some quality music along with some quality ice cream.

Let me cut to the chase here - Aubriot is REALLY good. I totally dug it and would definitely hear them again, and At first I thought they were doing covers that I just hadn't heard - but turns out, they write their own stuff. And um, it's rilly rilly good. Like, for real. They play poppy rock (poppyrock!) with a tendency towards the sad'n'wistful. They've got a kick-ass drummer, a bass player with chops, and a lead guitarist who can actually play guitar. There didn't seem to be any ego - everyone was working together for each song. It sounds like such a simple formula, right? But come on, we all know it's a rare combination. Also, and not that I'm shallow, but everyone in the band was pretty darn cute to boot. Holla!

As the band was setting up they got the usual semi-hostile stare-down from the locals walking by. A funny thing happened when they started playing though - people walking by stopped and listened. The most amusing thing to watch was the little kids walking with their folks. They would stop and stare, all 'what is this strange thing?' and then they would smile and stand. Parents would stop and be all, 'c'mon, we gotta go meet Gramma at Jaleo' and the kids'd be all, 'No way! I must stay and rock out!' It was pretty cute.

Unfortunately, this being an outdoor show, it did rain a bit. They played through and no one got electromocuted, so whew! And um, I shan't go into the older lady with herpes who sat down next to me and kept pointing out the sore on her lip to me and then said, 'is that the drummer? That's what I like - drummers.' Uh huh. Staying away from drummers now. Got it.

Other good things - the sound quality was good, like all the levels were matched and not too loud and not too quiet, and I could actually hear the words, which I loved, cuz that's also kind of rare. I will say that the drummer was debating whether to use sticks or those whisk things that are not as loud as sticks, and I'd thought they'd go with whisks cuz it was a small outdoor venue - but then after they'd started playing the Haagen Dasz people had to come out and tell them not to use the sticks. Ha ha, drummers. Also, there was some banter from Atomicate. She told her chemistry joke. I'm not gonna tell you it, because then you won't think it's funny when you go to hear them. Suffice to say if you're following the Large Hadron Collider antics, you'll laugh at Atomicate's joke.

Anyway, my point is, they'll be playing again on November 2nd, and I plan to be there, fo' sho'. Aubriot. Good stuff!

Worst. Temp Job. Ever.

Today. Horrific.

Temp handler calls me with a job that may be two days but could spill into three days. It involves calling people who've signed up to attend an event and confirming their RSVP's. I'll have to do a phone interview so the job folks can ok my phone professionalism (i.e. that I don't sound ghetto) so I talk to them, and the guy says, 'Have you ever cold-called before?' Somehow, I managed to skip over the phrase 'cold-call', because I am dumb. I of course tell him straight up that I've never done phone sales, and he says it's between me and another temp, and he'll let my temp handler know by the end of the day. So whatever whatever, I get the job. *sound of tiny party horn fizzling*

I show up at the tiny office early, because I always am, and Job Guy is of course late, cuz that's rule one of tempage. Again, whatever whatever. I'm ushered into a conference room and offered water and coffee, and am shown the phone and stack of contacts. So, what is the deal exactly? Well, Job Company has arranged an event for Client Company. They've sent invitational emails to the contacts letting them know that if they attend a brief, catered two-hour presentation by Client Company on spam, content filters and firewalls they'll get two tickets to the last Nats home game of the season. My goal is to get people to say they'll come to the event, and then get their information so we can register them online for the event. 

Slowly it dawns on me (see above re: dumb) that this is not confirming RSVP's. This is sales calling. I'm now the guy who has to convince you to buy the timeshare before you can enjoy the free weekend in Miami. Blurgh.

There are a few teensy problems with this scenario. Problem one: I am not a saleswoman. Sales-folk, imho, are born and not made. They are adorable smiley gifts from heaven who have the magical ability to woo you out of your hard-earned money. Me: not so much. I just work here.

Problem two: everyone knows I'm not a sales person. Receptionists know it and wisely route me immediately to the voicemail of whomever I'm calling as soon as I say, "Hi! I'm calling from Client Company!" Out of 150 calls, I speak to maybe 20 actual people. 

Problem three: the company is selling spam protection services. TO PROFESSIONALS THEY HAVE JUST SPAMMED. Of the 20 people I talk to, at least 10 don't have the invite email because it is, guess where? In their spam filter. 

Problem four: does anyone in this town actually care about baseball? Really? Well, ok, today I learned that at least three people do care about baseball. Two of them have prior commitments. I sign the last one up, desperate at this point, despite his protestations that while he does want the baseball tickets, he's just a policy wonk lobbying on IT issues and shouldn't I be talking to his IT guy if I'm trying to sell IT solutions? I assure him it's fine because at that point I just don't care anymore. My point is, the something for nothing we're giving away here isn't worth much. Unless the food is really good which I doubt.

About halfway into the morning the Big Boss comes in and announces that Client Company's CEO will be coming to the event, so now they REALLY need people to show up! No pressure though! (I don't explain that as a temp I'm exempt from being pressured by anything Job Company says, beyond showing up and making a reasonable attempt at getting the work done. This is part of the appeal of being a temp. Big Boss looks at me like he knows this but would like to believe otherwise. I say I'll do my best.) 

As the day goes on it becomes crystal clear that I'm not selling the something for nothing very well. It's not that I'm not trying; I'm chipper, not too pushy, and use my years of training in the theatah to sound natural and not rush while including every selling point in one or two sentences. One british fellow says, "You'ah doing a veddy good job, and I see grrreat things in you'ah fewchah." Needless to say he's not interested in baseball. 

My throat starts to hurt and I'm watching the minutes tick by on the Cisco conference room phone. Outside the conference room I can hear the Big Boss shmoozing away. I walk in and ask why he gets to talk to people and I only get to talk to voicemail. He says, 'Oh, I'm using my personal business contacts, that's why, it's a little easier that way.' Oh right, and that's because YOU'RE AS SALESMAN WITH A NETWORK OF CONTACTS and I'm COLD CALLING. ALL IN CAPS. He says maybe it's the list, maybe it isn't as good as they thought it was. Considering that some of the people I call haven't worked at the companies we have listed in five years, as some receptionists inform me in frosty tones, I think perhaps he's right.

I start to feel delirious. I can't make another call. I could just walk out - would that be so awful? But I can't; that would make me look unprofessional to my temp handler. But do I really have to come back and do this tomorrow, and maybe Friday? Surely not. The bosses leave for lunch and I call Mrs. Pinchloaf to vent, and she is nicely sympathetic. The bosses come back and bring a guy from Client Company with them. He is Georgetown button-down handsome and looks me up and down, a look that is half assessing my money-maker and half assessing my possible portfolio. (It's a G-town thing, I'm pretty sure.) I probably fall short in both categories but I'm so tired of cold-calling I really don't care. When he leaves he says 'thanks for helping us out' as he walks by.

Somehow I make it to 3:30 and then 4:15. Just 45 more minutes to go. At exactly 5:01 I walk out of the conference room to tell them I'm leaving if that's ok. Job Guy says, 'we think we're going to go in a different direction tomorrow, but thanks for coming in.' He says Client Guy listened to a few of my calls and thought I talked about the products well, but still. I can't help it, I heave a sigh of relief right there and shake his hand. And get the hell out. 

In the parking lot I leave a hysteria-tinged voicemail for my temp handler, asking if they could please give me a heads up if the job involves cold-calling next time please, so that I can refuse to ever do it again. I do not say that I would rather enter the same 20 digit number into a spreadsheet five hundred times in a windowless basement room while rats gnaw at my ankles but the message gets through, as temp handler calls me back and is very apologetic and says she had no idea. 

Sales. Shiver. Sigh of relief.

I Love Temping

Now that I've completed the paradigm shift, I'm ready to pursue employment. I have most recently pursued it by signing on with A Nationally Known Temporary Staffing Company. I had to take an Excel test and a Word test, and I did a little interview and said I would like to make many monies please but would just like to start working again, mostly, and they checked my references and that was that. 

One thing they did not check was my ability to walk in a straight line between orange cones, and yet that was what my first assignment called for. My Temp Handler called and was like, "Soooo, we have this half-day thing, and it's a liiiittle out of our scope... you'd be like, testing a new jacket for the military. Wanna do it?" Being a total whore for a few dollars more than minimum wage, I said okeydoke. She gave me the address - a Shriner's building. I said, 'is there like a company name I should look for in the building?' She said, "Oh, no, they'll be in the parking lot." Um, ok. 

So I showed up at said building's very large, rather secluded and fairly empty parking lot, and met the job contact, who was really tall and good looking, and he showed me to the temp tent, where a couple of other ladies were sitting around, bored. (This is a major component of temping, so I wasn't surprised.) I was given a document to read where I learned what the job really was - testing suicide bomber detection systems. I was to pose as a suicide bomber and walk between two suicide bomber testing stations wearing a fake bomb pack. HOW EFFIN' AWESOME. (True fact: they already have this technology overseas, but designed it to identify men wearing explosives, and increasingly women have been making suicide attacks. Hence the need for the test, so's they could re-calibrate the systems for the lady-style suicide bomber.)

What made it awesomer was the fact that the guys running the stations were all ex-Marines. They'd all done tours of Iraq, had survived, gotten out, and are now working as private defense contractors. But they still look like Marines. I.E., incredibly hottt. (And I don't use the three t 'hottt' lightly.) 

It took about two hours to complete the test - there were five of us temps, and we had to complete the walk five times (because there were four different jackets and once we walked without jackets.) It was so random and so easy and so cool. Alas, tomorrow I shall probably be temping in a more tempy (tempeh?) way, data entering addresses for some dumb company that does not create suicide bomber detection systems.