Gimme money! It's for cancer.

Last night I skipped practice to go to a Relay For Life kickoff meeting in the fine town of Garfield, NJ. Cut Throat is leading a team of GSR roller girls and made it to the meeting despite having spent the weekend serving pancakes to drunkards and partying with rock stars in Philly.

The meeting was in a rec center or sumpn' - there was a disco ball. Also the tables were decorated half with Relay for Life stuff and half with leftover Valentine's Day stuff, which was awesome. The room was about half-full when we got there, and they were blasting the special Cancer Mix, which goes as follows:
Lean On Me
Wind Beneath My Wings
Whatever by Melissa Etheridge (sorry lesbians, her songs all sound the same to me)
etc.

Cut Throat, as team capn', actually had to do stuff, like get the info packet from the scary 15 person committee table at the end of the hall, and fill out the registration form and stuff. Her friend Sam (I think? I'll just call her Slam for blogging purposes) and I just got to chill and partake of the very fine buffet that was on offer. Kind of stale pizza, a couple of those crazy large party subs, and best of all... some guy who works for Entenmann's is involved, so there had to be like 50 boxes of Entenmann's stuff. Strudel and doughnuts and cookies and whatnot... So awesome. Marry me, Entenmann's guy!

The presentation left something to be desired. It went like this:
"Hello, I'm blah blah blah blah from your local blah blah blah, and I think it's great that we're joining together to blah blah blah."

clap clap clap clap.

"Thanks, blah blah! Now, let's all welcome blah blah blah from the new blah bank!"

The best tho' was the councilman, who somehow managed to talk about Iraq. Um, ok. He was so the best speaker ever. Cut Throat wrote down some choice quotes and I hope she posts them on this because they were priceless and I wonder how he got elected. Maybe no one showed up to vote and he was the default choice? I don't know.

My other favorite thing was the ghoulish skeleton woman who came over to distribute newsletters. She had so much makeup on it was like she had extra face hanging out all over. Also her nose could have cut glass. Also also, her hair was huuuuuuge! Slam allowed as how she thought she was hot, but she was so not.

After a guy rocking a blue cardigan introduced Cut Throat's dad and mispronounced his name, Cut Throat's dad spoke, and it was much better than council guy's speech, although that would not have been difficult. Mr. Cut Throat spoke about how cancer treatments are improving all the time thanks to fundraising, and I must agree. The difference between the treatment of my sister's cancer 15 years ago and my mom's just a few years ago was quite staggering.

Then Mr. Cut Throat said he intends to be a 15 year survivor, and the lady who spoke after him said, "Dont' say you WILL be a surviver, you ARE a survivor" and I kind of wanted to smack her upside the head with an Entenmann's box, because I found it condescending. I'd be all, 'STFU, biotch, it's my cancer and I'll say what I want!' But then, that kind of snotty attitude is why they probably won't invite me to speak at a fundraiser if I ever get cancer. Mr. Cut Throat was much more gracious.

Then they tried to play an inspirational Relay For Life movie but it got stuck halfway through. Time to invest in a new DVD, American Cancer Society! And then after that they tried to get us to join committees but we refused. I mean, I'm assuming. I didn't see anyone jump up and put their names down. I did see many people jump up and grab more strudel.

So, in conclusion, give generously to Relay For Life, and try to meet people who have access to free pastry. Word.

UPS is now on my shit list

So, my friend Perpetual Studen Drummer Monkey is currently pursuing a PhD in Athens, GA. He's been pursuing it for a semester and a half now, and in all that time I've really intended to send him a care package. I sent Mrs. Pinchloaf a care package during her first year in college, and she remembers it fondly. (That's because I put twice as many marshellays in the rice crispy treats as the box calls for. And that tip's for free, budding Betty Crockers!) Anyways, undergrad, master's degree seaker or PhD candidate, a box of treats is always nice to get.

So I had a day off, and I decided to make the aforementioned treats, and some yummy No Pudge brownies, and I bought some half-priced Wallytymes day candy, threw it in a box, and trip-trapped down to my local post office. On the way tho', I saw the UPS Store. How convenient! And UPS is SO RELIABLE! You can track your package progress online! WHY NOT!

And then the guy taking my package (heh) was so nice, and he sold me the overnight delivery, cuz I thought, it'd be nice to get the treats'n'brownies before they were all stale and stuff, so why not shell out a few yen for some speediness? WHY NOT???

I'll tell you why not. I checked the tracking the next day, and got some message about how an exception had occurred, and a correct street address was needed, or a correct recipient/company name, or some such. So I called Drummer Monkey and confirmed that the addy was correct. I called UPS and was all, 'the hell?' and they were all, "Well, the driver couldn't find the address, so we sent the recipient a postcard. We'll hold the package until the 28th." And I was all, "Well, I confirmed that the address is correct. You need to TRY AGAIN." And so they put a "change request" in to the computer and said they'd try to send the package out again the next day. Not the day I called, mind you, but the next day.

So, I made and sent the package on Monday, assuming it'd get there on Tuesday. Wednesday I called Drummer Monkey, and Thursday I called UPS, so at this point, they assured me they'd try again on Friday. Saturday, I check the tracking again. It didn't say anthing about delivery, just that I'd made the request to have them try again. So, I called them again, and they said, yeah, we see that you requested to have them try again, but we don't see that they did try again.
Pause.
Pause.
Pause.
Me: So. Do you have a complaints line?

So they took my complaint and said someone would call on MONDAY. On Monday, I better get a full refund. Also on Monday, I will be informing UPS of my intention to use USPS for all my future shipping needs. And let me tell you, when USPS is the best option? Something is seriously broken with capitalism.

Dane Cook

I was curious, so I searched Dane Cook on Youtube and watched a minute of his standup. He sucks.

Starbucks: Good or Evil?

Every once and again, I have the "Starbucks: Good or Evil?" discussion. I don't know why; it's not like if we all decide it's evil we're going to take it out, or if we all decide it's good, we wont be giving Starbucks the key to the city or anything.

But anyway, the lackadaisical debate putters along. Here are the arguments, laid out apathetically and in no particular order.

Starbucks is Evil!
-coffee is thrice roasted ON PURPOSE. That's why the drip coffee tastes like ass.
-cup name for small sounds large: "tall"
-cup names for medium and large are fake italian: "grande", "venti"
-large amounts of sugary syrups, fatty milk and whipped cream in decaf drinks get kids hooked on coffee early
-large amounts of sugary syrups, fatty milk and whipped cream in caf drinks contribute to nation's obesity epidemic
-complicated drink names "double nonfat half-caf no whip mocha" turn customers into fearful rats or obnoxiously self-righteous assholes
-Starbucks ethic of allowing complete customization of every detail of drink makes middle-class feel they can get anything they want anyway they want all the time, assisting with creation of "Rome before the fall" type society
-drinks are way overpriced
-Starbucks stores have overtaken every neighborhood, town, city, mall, rest stop, bank, grocery store, library on earth. Earth has now been Starbucksized.

Starbucks is GOOD!
-Everything in Starbucks is pretty and shiny, including the employees.
-Employees get special name: Barrista! This makes employees feel good, and customers like seeing shiny fuzzy barristas being happy.
-Coffee with a shitload of sugar and cream in it tastes awesome, and is a completely legal drug! Pound a triple mocha caramel machiato with whip and watch how much brighter the colors get.
-Starbucks has taken over every town, burg, grocery store, city block, and bus stop. That means there's a clean bathroom almost everywhere you go.
-They have comfy chairs, uncomfy chairs, and small tables at every Starbucks. You can bring your knitting group there, or if you're in high school you can bring your high school crew there, or if you're a nerd you can bring your laptop there, or if you're Muslim you can bring your Muslim buddies there (because Muslims don't drink alcohol, and so they hang at Starbucks or Cosi, at least in NoVa anyways), and for four bucks or so you can hang out for a really long time and feel like you're being social. It beats the basement every time.
-The pay and benefits are pretty good for retail. I know lots of people who've funded slacker and even non-slacker lifestyles by working at Starbucks. It's an entree into sales, or management, or both. You can do as much or as little as you want. And they have coffee college, which is bullshit but I remember it because when I went we had to sniff coffee and I accidentally snorted some and burned my nose.
-Once you give in to the homogenization of our Earth, it doesn't feel so bad. What is this 'different' of which you speak?

Throwing Up Is Still A Notable Event For Me

I 'member when I was a kid, if I ever threw up, it was a big deal. It was an event. It was such a weird thing to have happen, and I dreaded it so much, and then when it happened it was like a life-changing experience for a few days. I would hobble around like, "I am Kira. I have thrown up. Bow before me, who have had this amazing experience and lived to tell the tale."

I actually don't dread throwing up so much anymore, because I know now that it means I'll feel better after. (Like exercise!)

Still tho', I'm not blase about it. It's an event. This past week alone I've thrown up twice and I really felt like people should know about it. Once it was because I drank some nastacular Starbucks Coffee Liqueur that someone had given me, and then pounded some Absolut just to get the nasty coffee grossness taste out, and then realized Absolute really doesn't taste that good on it's own either, and that I drank way too much so fast, so I definitely had to lose it. It was quick and non-traumatic and very necessary. It was slightly embarrasing as I was not at my own house, but all parties handled it ok I thought.

Then on Monday night I ate too much before practice, and practice was super-intense. I made it through the whole thing but then felt very, very, very bad when I got home, and dinner was sitting there in my stomach all "yeah, you're not going to be digesting ME anytime soon" so I accepted the inevitable and ralphed. This one was slightly traumatic because it came with a headache. I hate ralph w/ headache.

But then the next day my stomach was sore and I felt the urge to tell everyone, but I realize most people dont' really want to know. So I BLOGGED about it. YEAH.

Yay, I fixed it.

I feel accomplished.

I think I messed up the comments

...cuz now I can't see them anymore. I am a jeenyuss.

Things I Have Ill-Wished People Today

-That they step in a hole filled with water while wearing nice slacks, so that they have to walk around with freezing cold puddle water seeping up one pants leg.

- that they get on an elevator in the top floor of a really tall building, and at first the elevator goes quickly, so that they're all, "score! I'm going to get downstairs superfast!" but halfway down it starts stopping on every floor so it takes them a really long time in actuality.

-that they would be at a cafeteria and pick something that looks like it'll be savory, like mashed potatoes, and it turns out to be sweet when they bite into it, like yams, or vice versa.

Crazy rash dream

I dreamed last night that I had a crazy scaly oozing rash all over my back. It was gross. It was related to the fact that I was sleeping outside in a tent filled with space heaters. I was sleeping in the tent as part of a contest, and was competing with someone else who was also sleeping outside in another tent filled with space heaters. Something about the space heated air caused me to get the crazy rash.

It was one of those dreams where I woke up and was lik, 'aaah, I don't have a crazy scaly rash all over my back, it was allllll just a dreaaaaam.'

The bad news is, it's so effin' cold that my skin is quite dry and itchy, and while I was sleeping I scratched my calf and woke up with long red scratches from ankle to knee. Ugh.

GRRRRR! I'm the meanest!

Grrr! You best not mess with me! I bite heads off field mice! And spit them out next to Please Don't Litter signs! I'll talk about ya behind your back, AND right in front of your face! GRRRRRR!

Tee hee hee! I'm the cutest!

Tee hee! I like puppies, and rainbows, and merry jigs, and cupcakes with sprinkles! My My Pretty Pony's name is Sunbeam Flowersnout! Mean people suck, and nice people rule!

How do you make tuna salad so gross?

Today I didn't bring my lunch, cuz I had a packed birthday weekend packed with birthday fun, and buying sensible groceries to bring to work for lunch is NOT part of birthday fun.

Ordinarily I go to Pantera's for lunch when I've not brought my lunch. But, it's HELLA freezing outside today and I'm a-scared to leave the comfort of my slightly warmer office building. So, I was forced to go to the cafeteria.

I went a little early - at 11:30 instead o' 12. The fifteen people on staff were completely unprepared for this, and there was no one at the register. The salad bar actually looked pretty good, but there were no salad containers out, so I had to get a pre-made salad. I got one that had a splorch of egg salad, a splorch of tuna salad , and a splorch of chicken salad over chopped greens.

The egg salad was the only splorch that was even REMOTELY good. How is it possible to make chicken salad and tuna salad so gross? Seriously! They're both creepily salty, and the chicken salad is creepily slimy. SHUDDER. I am so going grobery shopping tonight.

Practicing Falling

So last night at practice we practiced falling a bit. Various people kept saying that we needed to practice landing in various ways because when we actually fall in jams, we won't be able to slow down and take a nice safe fall... now, having had many, many unplanned falls since starting this whole deal, including falling on: the right side of my ass, the left side of my ass, my coccyx, my stomach, my boobilies, and on a couple of memorable occasions, my face, I have to wonder... why do we have to practice something that happens all the time that we really don't have that much control over?

I know lots of skaters would argue vigorously that falling drills are absolutely necessary. Some of them would probably argue so vehemently that they'd be in tears, which would bother me because the motto is 'no crybabies allowed' and lately, I dunno, I've just been noticing some cry-babies. But anyway I shant raise my voice in favor of not doing falling drills, but I not very secretly think they're not that useful.

Last night Black Eye Barbie from the Long Island league came out and practiced with us, and it nearly destroyed me, because she's actually fast and so the pace of our drills and scrimmages was significantly faster. It was awesome tho'. She also showed us a double-whip thingy, where if you whip someone they can then reach back around and whip you, so you're both helping each other go forward and at the same time are creating a wall for the opposing jammer.

I didn't do very well during scrimmages which is too bad because Somebashin' invited The Mister and Mah Serbian Bruthah to film. Le sigh. Still, it was a good practice. Bam Bam for some reason was pushing cannoli, and Brawl and I had a discussion about Guns'n'Roses, which is kind of the topic for a whole other blog.